Tag Archives: Money and relationships

Talk It Out: Run and Don’t Look Back

Welcome to Talk It Out. It finally arrived!

One of my readers wrote me a while ago, as soon as I introduced the Talk It Out column. I followed up with her to see if the situation she found herself in remained unchanged. Unfortunately for my reader nothing has changed. Fortunately for me, I can feature her in my first Talk It Out.

She chose to remain anonymous, so I had to change her name. I did put some of my remarks in italics. I just couldn’t help but say something before I even got a chance to discuss it!

Background: Lisa has been living with a guy, I’ll call him Bob, for the last 3 years. He is in his early thirties. She is in her late twenties. Lisa thinks that Bob is “a good man, caring, loving, fun.” But Bob is really bad with money. In spite of this flaw, Lisa was considering to marry him until… well… until this tax season.

How Bob manages money: he doesn’t own a credit card because in the past, according to Bob, he had a really bad experience with a student loan that screwed up his credit score. Bob has no savings and lives paycheck to paycheck but somehow always finds money to buy video games.

He refuses to come up with a budget. He doesn’t allow Lisa to pull his credit report and “barks” at her if she brings it up. He has an outstanding dentist bill that he doesn’t pay because, according to Bob, his dentist screwed it up (Really Bob? Your life seems so “unfair.” It is never your fault, isn‘t it?) Finally, he owes $2,000 in back taxes.

Lisa and Bob keep their money in separate accounts (Thank God! I am a joint account proponent but in this situation who would think differently? Anyone?)

Situation: Lisa has done her taxes and found out that she is getting $2,000 back. Then she proceeded to do Bob’s taxes, and it appeared that Bob owes $500 (ouch). She researched what could have possibly caused it, and found out that Bob never changed his federal and state exemptions from 3 to 0. She asked him to do it last year when he also ended up owing taxes. He never did!

Bob doesn’t have money to pay the taxes he owes.

Lisa got sick and tired (finally!) of Bob’s unwillingness to change his attitude towards finances, and told Bob that if he doesn’t change by the end of this year, she will leave him. Meanwhile she is wondering if she was too tough on him, and if she should pay his outstanding back taxes from her tax refund and savings.

Aloysa’s Talking It Out: Let me make it clear:

– the guy refuses to make a budget,

– he doesn’t let you to pull his credit report,

– he has no savings,

– he doesn’t pay bills because he thinks he doesn’t need to,

AND (as I see it,)

– he refuses to change

AND

– you are going to stay with him till the end of the year?

What is wrong with you, Lisa? Love can be blind but to what extend?

Don’t pay his bills, please don’t. His bills are his responsibilities (and he doesn’t like to take upon any of them.) By paying his bills you are not helping him to achieve anything or start from a clean page. You are helping him to pay for more video games!

You have been living together for three years, and he has not change anything for you. What makes you believe that he will change within the next ten months? He is in early thirties (seriously, he is not 12 and clueless) and, let me tell you, people usually know pretty well what they want by this age.

I don’t think Bob loves and respects you, Lisa. I am really sorry to say that but he doesn’t plan your future together. It sounds awful, I know. I believe that when you love your partner, you will sit down and find a comprise that works for both of you.

By the way, if you know his social security number, and you should know it if from doing his taxes, pull his free credit report and, I can bet, you will see there things that you have not imagined.

But enough of my opinions already. AKS readers always have a lot of  insightful opinions, magnificent advice and a lot of support to offer.

Let’s talk it out with my readers!

Why Women Lie About Shopping

This article is not a generalization. It represents my observations only.

One of my married friends always goes shopping alone. She always pays cash. Why? Because there will be no monthly credit card statements and no paper trail. There will be no questions from her husband about what she bought while shopping because she won’t show him her purchases that are tucked away in the trunk of her car.

Her husband will never know about the three pairs of shoes that will later be put into her closet. Or the new pair of jeans that she will wear when they go to the movies. Or the new skirt she will put on for a day at her office. He won’t know, he won’t ask questions and he won’t suspect how much was spent.

If we don’t point out to our husbands or boyfriends a new wardrobe piece that we are wearing, would they eventually notice? The majority of men don’t notice which also means that they don’t ask “Is that something new?” Even if they do ask us, those of us who don’t want to admit that a piece is new, indeed can always say “Oh no, I’ve had this forever.”

Even if we do show what we bought while shopping for new clothes, we still might omit or alter one very important fact such as … the price. We might tell a partial truth about an item that we have just purchased.

Why do some of us keep our wardrobe price tags a secret in spite of the fact that we work, earn money and want to look good?

Maybe because we are feeling guilty about spending money on ourselves when we can be spending on our kids, or paying off debt, or putting it into savings, or investing it into our future.

Maybe we think that we overpaid for a great looking dress. Sometimes we do overpay but we don’t want to admit it, even to ourselves.

Maybe we think that the price is irrelevant. Receipts are shredded, price tags are destroyed. We lie about it … well… because those damn shoes are worth it.

Maybe when we come back from a store, we don’t want to be interrogated: “Why did you buy it? How much did you spend? Couldn’t you get anything cheaper?” Or even better “How many shoes (skirts, bags, jeans) do you need?”

And the final Maybe:

Maybe being financially honest and having full disclosure means having similar goals, workable budgets, understanding and most importantly accepting each other’s spending habits.