Tag Archives: dating problems

A Good Gym is Difficult to Find. Just Like a Good Man.

Please make sure to check out my staff writer post (it is going live this afternoon) at Beating Broke, Don’t Take Abuse. Know Your Rights.

I like to observe people in restaurants, movie theaters, malls and gyms. After some careful and, hopefully, not nosy staring at people at my gym, I figured that people go to work out for several reasons:

– some want to lose weight;
– some want to stay healthy and live longer;
– some want to find a date.

It seems to me that gyms are becoming a new hot spot. Maybe they already are, and I am just a little bit late with my conclusions. While pounding endless miles on a treadmill, I watch people work out and interact with each other. What else is there to do besides listening to music and hoping that time and miles fly away?

I would never dare to even attempt to hit on a guy at the gym because I don’t think that being sweaty is really a “now” moment to introduce yourself to someone. Have you ever noticed that there are women and guys who do not look sweaty at all? Because they like me don’t think that sweaty is a “now” moment too! The only difference is that I go to the gym to sweat. They… for a whole different reason.

I saw it all: men who pump iron and look at their muscles with adoration; women with full make up and made up hair strolling between treadmills and elliptical in hopes of being noticed by those men who pump iron and adore their muscles; guys slowly walking the  gym’s perimeter with a subtle romantic smile and not looking at anyone in particular.

Then there are tanned, buffed up guys checking out every single woman in the gym. I noticed him a while ago. In fact, I think all girls at the gym noticed him – buffed up, tanned, short work out shorts, huge muscles, strong thighs and with a constant smile on his face. He circled the machines, choosing to work out on those that were close to women.

He loved budgeting his time and form time to time he would ask a girl to switch off turns on the machine. I guess it was a conversation starter. Sometimes he picked up a dropped towel, offered his turn by the drinking fountain… you know… random acts of kindness that looked so thoughtful.

Then she came into the gym. I swear I saw her wearing a wedding ring the first time she was there. A few days later the ring was gone, and she was chatting away with him by the drinking fountain. I ran into them in a juice bar couple of times. After a while, they started to work out together. Later, I noticed they would come in together, leave together. Once I saw them kissing in the parking lot. (A disclaimer: I was not stalking them, I just observed.)

As a fiction writer I immediately made up a story of a married woman falling in love with someone very strong and attractive… and well… beautiful. That core of inner strength that she presumably always could locate before she met him was gone. She probably even thought he was created for her: tall, strong, powerfully muscled and charming. Maybe she even believed that he knew what she felt, thought, wanted. I also think she grew restless, expectant and maybe even demanding because, suddenly, they started coming to the gym separately.

It was sad to see that he started checking out other girls at the gym while still working out with her. It didn’t take too long for her to stop coming to the gym. He is still there, back to his old routine of smiling, switching off turns on the machine with someone else, picking up a dropped towel, offering his turn by the drinking fountain.

There is no morale to this story. At least, everyone should think for himself/herself and get out of this story whatever you think appropriate. The only thing I want to say, use your left or right brain and treat a gym as your office or your home. Don’t have love affairs at your office, your gym or with your neighbor. Otherwise… you might end up changing a lot in your life. A good gym is difficult to find. Just like a good man.

His Wallet Is Empty But What About His Head?

My girlfriend and I had a conversation about men. I guess girls do that – gossip about men when there are no men around. My friend is single and dating. As you can imagine she had quite a few stories to share. I listened to her musings about the guys she met, and felt relieved that I am not playing the dating field anymore. It sounded … tiresome.

Dating when it is done right can be a lot of fun. It can also be hard work. Especially when it comes down to whom and how you are dating.

Ladies, this post as well as subsequent articles will be drawn from my own dating experiences. What I am going to say is based on a few examples of a few men my friends and I have encountered.

Gentlemen, if you are going to read this any further, you should realize one thing – I am not generalizing. I am not saying that all men have to fall into certain categories.

I believe that there are certain types of men that can trap you financially and emotionally. I met them myself, I dated some of them and now I want to write about them: The Poorhouse, The Great Pretender and The Penny-Pincher. I am planning to write a series of posts about each of these categories. Today I would like to discuss The Poorhouse.

Main characteristics of the Poorhouse: he is going through some financial difficulties and cannot afford a lot of things. He is broke because he either just lost his job (economy sucks) or he doesn’t have an emergency fund because while looking for a job he spent it all. Other circumstances are possible. He lives with his friends because he cannot afford his rent anymore or he lives in a trailer park because it is all he can afford.

Ladies, would you give him a chance?

Situation 1. I met my husband when both of us were broke. I was plowing my way through grad school, he was digging his way out of the student loans. He wanted to impress me, so on our first date he took me out to an expensive restaurant. There he spent his whole paycheck. Mind-blowing? Absolutely. Stupid? You bet!

But we made our relationship work. I overlooked the fact that he was broke (so was I!) and that he could not afford a lot of things. What I liked about him (besides other non financial stuff) was that he paid his bills on time and he was working hard at his job to get a promotion.

I evaluated all of this and the fact that I do not validate my self worth depending on how much money a guy spends on me. Do you?

We still managed to go out and do fun stuff. We had great dates that did not cost a lot. We cooked dinners at my place, watched movies at his, walked in a park, played board and card games, visited his and my friends, went on scenic rides. Somehow, we were in this together – struggling financially but building a better future.

Situation 2. One of my girlfriends met a guy who announced to her almost immediately that he was broke and could not afford a lot of things. He, in fact, told her that if she wanted to eat out, go clubbing and just go see movies, she would have to pay. He was unemployed at the time they met. I was surprised to hear that he had admitted to being unemployed because I always thought that unemployment was the last thing a guy would want to admit. But I am generalizing here…

She did it for a while (love is blind sometimes): paid for dinners, movies, drinks. She tried to find him a job. She was networking for him, she was pulling a lot of strings with no appreciation from him. I was puzzled. Why would a successful career woman be dating a guy who was smoothly moving from one job to another, did not want a stable life, and was living in a trailer park because it was cheaper than an apartment?

I do understand that love is blind but to what point?

My friend broke up with this guy after six months. Six months! It sounded like a lifetime. When I asked her why, she said “I am a very accepting person but I got to the point where there is only so much I can do. I needed help and he was not willing to provide that help.”

Isn’t it ironic that my successful friend needed help?

I believe that no relationship should be based on money. Unfortunately, money very often shapes our relationships.

UPDATE: This article was included in the 281st edition of the Carnival of Personal Finance. Make sure to visit the Carnival and check out other great articles.